John 15:10-12 Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC)10 If you keep My commandments [if you continue to obey My instructions], you will abide in My love and live on in it, just as I have obeyed My Father’s commandments and live on in His love.11 I have told you these things, that My joy and delight may be in you, and that your joy and gladness may be of full measure and complete and overflowing.12 This is My commandment: that you love one another [just] as I have loved you.
I have been working on EHS study through my church and wondering why I feel like I'm back at this place I have been before. Why am I feeling alone rather than joy? I have some memories which are blocked and others are so far back and so fantastic that I see why they were blocked for years but what do they have in today? I fold up as a flower at the end of the day like a morning glory when the darkness comes. I remember when my Dad would go around the house and sprinkle holy water everywhere because things were out of hand and the devil was having folly with our family. I remember how the holy water or the eruption of abuse would make way to profound peace. I realized then that when things are peaceful or profoundly stressful that I expect something to erupt or for God to show up in a huge way. God is God. He will always be my Abba Father. I remember being with Him and in His light from an early age, even when cutting my Mom's prized elephant ears because it blocked His light in the living room picture window. haha, no she wasn't happy and today who can blame her? But seriously how do our moments with Him compare? So then why when times are rough or hard do I wait to call upon His name? What am I not seeing?
My Aunt respectively asked me why I keep looking backward. I'm in my late forties and anything from my childhood isn't responsible for where I am today. I have to take responsibility. So here I am. And where is that exactly? I have two amazing kids God blessed me with when I was told kids were very unlikely, being a high risk for an ecoptic pregnancy and early menopause which had to be stopped. haha, God loves the glory in the impossible for man! He gave me the desires of my heart, a family of my own. My husband and I feel have been through hell and back more than once, realizing last night I have put us there more than I would ever like to admit. And why? After spending a long time with God in silence I heard what He said. In my pursuit of perfection, I have obscured my ability to feel joy. My sadness is what permeates the house like a bad perfume, impacting everyone who lives here. And why? Because I keep licking my wounds. The more I lick them, the less they can heal. Let them be as far from the east as the west which is how God sees our forgiven sins. So must I forgive me as much as my past. I need to see the life I was given was squandered by my need to fill a God-sized hole, seeking in those who have no ability to fill and not realizing that God had already filled it if I would just stop and see what was the truth. I have poured my grief into failure instead of propelling the feeling of accomplishment and joy with God's given talents in my life. I instead saw what I was missing instead of what I have. God has blessed me tremendously. I am not entitled to anymore and especially wasn't entitled to have a family, a career or the friends and family who have chosen to bless my life by allowing me to be a part of theirs. Stop licking what isn't and focus on life, the joy of what IS. God says I AM. I AM healed. I AM forgiven. I AM His daughter. I AM LOVED. And so if God can love me, then I must be loveable. I must learn to love myself and understand that I have value in God's eyes. If I am valued by God, Abba Father, and Jesus who gave up His life so that I may live, then I AM valued. It feels so odd to say that I've rewritten this line more than any other. I AM VALUED. Not I value, but I AM valued. Let myself become truly healed by the one who can make me WHOLE again. Let go of the shortcomings and celebrate what IS. Pour JOY mixed with the celebration of life. Celebrate what IS. What is is that I AM enough.
